Monday, September 26, 2011

And the journey continues....

The days are starting to go by a little faster, and I am starting to get into a routine. I still have my meltdown moments, but there are fewer. I am really enjoyed the new church I am attending. It's weird because every week the pastor seems to know exactly what is on my mind and in my heart, and that is what he talks about. I am calling it divine intervention, God Himself is leading me to where I need to listen. I am finding out, slowly but surely, who exactly I can depend on and who I can do without. I found this great quote "If your presence in my life does not add value, then your absence won't make a difference!" So very true. So often there are people in our lives who bring us down, treat us unkindly, or just don't add anything good to our lives. Those people need to go. We need to surround ourselves with good, caring, loving, people and not worry so much about those that would talk bad about us, gossip about us or start nasty Facebook posts. This is a lesson I am working on learning. For so long, I have depended on my husband to be my only true friend, and with him gone, it is hard to know who to trust and who not to. I am finding out though, that some people are worth the risk and others are not. When those others fall by the wayside, it doesn't hurt quite as much as I thought it would. I may not have TONS of friends to support me, but the ones I do have are pretty darn awesome! I will count this blessing and move on.
In about another move, I will be completing a forced move on my own, and crazy me, but I am doing a DITY move! Our house is being demolished and we are being moved to brand new housing. I am excited but scared at the same time. I have never done a move entirely on my own (without my military member) so it is a little overwhelming. I do have help though so hopefully it will go smoothly.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A new Sunday...going to church

So today I decided to try out a new church. I am not a regular church goer, never have been. But this particular church has a marquee outside! I see it every day, and they always have the happiest thoughts posted. It always makes me smile, so I thought I would visit and see what it was like. I like upbeat churches too. I want my music to be uplifting, hand-clapping, tapping your toes kind of music. This church offers that. I got there, signed my daughter in to children's church and went to the main area. People were friendly, but not overly so. Maybe they just need to warm up a bit? Anyway, we sang some great songs and then the pastor started to speak. From the very first moment he opened his mouth, he seemed to speaking straight to me. He talked about people who say they are Christians, but don't REALLY have a true relationship with God. He talked about people who try to be good, but then end up throwing "snot" (his analogy not mine lol) on others. This is me!!! I have always wanted that glowing, faithful, uplifting relationship with God, but I have never had it. I have never taken that last leap and given myself over completely to the relationship. I DO believe in God, but do I depend on him all the time? No! I do pray, but usually only when I am stressed or in trouble. I want more than that in my life. So I sat there and cried. Not sobbing, but gentle tears on my face. I really felt like I was being spoken to. Part of me wanted to jump up and scream "Me! Me! You are talking about me!" But I just wasn't brave enough. It is a journey that I need to continue on I guess. I guess I also hoped that someone would have noticed I was crying and asked why. The pastor also talked about being seperated from your spouse for a lengthy period of time, which, of course, for me, brought more tears, as my hubs has just left for a year. All in all, it was an enlightening hour and gave me much to think about. I want a better relationship with God, I want that JOY! I just don't know if I will be able to find it!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Worth reposting again and again....

A friend of mine shared this on her Facebook wall today and it was just what I needed to read! Therefore, I thought I would share it along! It is a great thing to read for those of us left behind while our spouses are gone. Enjoy.

Letter To A Military Spouse: Author Unknown

While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you or your husband, I felt the need to write you and express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.

I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100 miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news.

I have never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for. I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband. I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so. I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand. I have never had to hold my head high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home. I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with.
And I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.

For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man". I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes. What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier" - - I will never have to walk in your shoes.

I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now. I have figured out that you are not like other women. You are of a special breed. You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.

You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American. I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.

Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what America meant to me. Until this moment, I had no real reason to.... Until I heard of you.

Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us...but you and those like you are the backbone of the American family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down. Military families make this nation what it is today.
You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Because of you and your family...I am able to be me. I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free in this great land. Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.

I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.

I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are...what you are doing...what has happened today...or what will happen tomorrow...Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me.... And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.

You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.

May God Bless You!
(Author Unknown)

Friday, September 9, 2011

Couple days down...many more to go

So a few days have gone by and I am starting to find things to do with my time. Both my daughters are in school all day now, so for the first time in 6 years I am home alone all day. It is weird! I am trying to get things sorted because before you know it, a year will have gone by and we will be moving...again! I am missing my husband but he calls often, so that helps. I figure today, instead of complaining, I would count some blessings! So here goes....
I am so blessed that my husband is deployed in this day and age. We have Skype, VoiP, email, Facebook, Google+. Back when he first joined the AF, we had 1 15 minute phone call per week, and the only other way to communicate was to send a letter. You never had enough time on that phone call to talk about everything, and it always left me more frustrated than happy. So I am super blessed that there are so many ways to communicate now. My husband always makes it a priority to get his internet set up, and make frequent phone calls to us! No matter where he is sent, he always finds a way. I am lucky to have him, and that he thinks that way. I know there are many spouses who don't get the same. The first thing my husband does is call as soon as he is able. He has stayed up late missing out on sleep so that he could talk to our daughters about their first day of school, and gotten up early and walked for miles to find a wireless connection so he could speak to me. I thank God that I have a husband who takes communication with me so seriously and understands that, sometimes, hearing his voice is all I need to make it through another day! So today, I am going to smile and be thankful for my husband and the technological age that we live in. I am going to be glad that I get to hear his voice and talk to him regularly! :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day...what's so great about holidays anyway?

So today is Labor Day, yes my first holiday without my husband. Granted it is not a big one, but a holiday none the less. It sucks! Everyone is having bbqs and get-togethers, and I am home...ALONE! I guess everyone forgot about me. I haven't had a single phone call, text...nothing. That is the thing that sucks about holidays while your spouse is deployed, you usually don't get invited places. I don't know whether it's because it's awkward just inviting 1 part of a pair, or that people are so busy with their lives that they forget you are alone. Who knows? I just know that I am a little jealous of all the people out bbq'ing, celebrating, spending time together!
On another note, tomorrow is the first day of school. My youngest is flying the nest and headed off to kindergarten. We have spent the whole day preparing (including running to Walmart to pick up last minute school supplies! Note to self: Never do that again, man that place was CROWDED!!!) I am sad...she is growing up so fast! For the first time in 6 years, I will be home all day by myself! I don't know what I am going to do. I have lots of ideas, but not sure I have the motivation to get them started! I cannot believe she is old enough to head off to school for a full day. Seems like just yesterday she was born, and we were marveling over how tiny she was! I am hoping that she has a GREAT first day, and that she loves kindergarten as much as she loved preschool!
With a final thought, I will close this post. I am praying...every day. Not something I normally do, but something I feel I need to do to get thru this year. I hope God understands, because my thoughts aren't exactly coherent when I am praying. I tend to wander all over the place, but at least I am praying and getting it all out. Til tomorrow.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

1 day down...many more to go!

Today wasn't so bad...I had my moments but overall it has been a pretty decent day. I found my way to the NEX all by myself! Usually I just go to our local BX, but the NEX at the Naval Base has a Hello Kitty section that our little one wanted to check out. So I drove there! First time on my own, and I didn't even get lost! I was really proud of myself. My moment happened on the way home... My husband made me a CD of music before he left. It was all songs that I requested. Well before he left, he told me that he had added a few songs that conveyed how he feels and he wanted me to listen to the words! The one that got to me the most was "Wait for Me" by Theory of a Deadman. Such a beautiful song and I can hear him singing it to me. It tore me up, but also made me smile, because it shows just how much he loves me. I did get to talk to my husband on the phone which always makes things better! I have to take this one day at a time, or I will never get through it!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

And the countdown begins.....

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. I had to send my husband off for a year and watch as our 6 year old melted down as he walked down the airport concourse. It was hard enough letting him go, but seeing our daughter cry for Daddy for hours was worse. It breaks her heart for him to be gone; the two of them are so very close. We drove home and went back to bed for a while, as we were up super early to drop Daddy off at the airport. The hardest thing to deal with is the fact that life goes on. As my heart is breaking and I am feeling totally alone in the world, everyone else is going about their daily business. Noone else's world stops just because mine has. To everyone else it is just another normal day. Coming home to an empty, quiet house is probably the suckiest thing! I miss everything about my husband! Today I don't want to be strong, I don't want to buck up and carry on! I want to just dissolve into tears, heaves and snot and feel sad! Alas, I still have kids, pets and a house to take care of. This is going to be one hell of a journey for me. I have been through many deployments and I swear, each time it gets harder and harder to say goodbye! For now, I will just hold on til I can hear his voice on the phone, which even though he is far away, somehow makes things a little better!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Tears of joy, and tears of pain

Today is my hubby's pack-out day...they have come to box up his stuff and ship it off to his destination. His time left with us is extremely extremely short. No spouse should ever have to watch their significant other's stuff get packed. It is say the least. Watching strangers pack everything you and your husband share into boxes headed to another country. I may be weak, but I just couldn't watch. I took myself upstairs to the bedroom to silently break down. I try not to cry in front of him, I don't want him to feel bad about having to leave. It's hard enough for him to leave us for a year, without me making him feel worse. I just didn't know how hard it was going to be to watch them pack up his life! Watching them pack made it all the more real. I know plenty of people go through this and its just as hard. I wish that our men and women in the Armed Forces didn't have to leave for such long lengths of time. It makes me want to be totally selfish and scream "Why do these other countries need us? Let our men and women stay home and take care of their own country!" I am tired of saying goodbye to the man I love. I am tired of being without my best friend. I am tired of my children learning first hand what loss means, as they have to wipe away their tears and say goodbye to Daddy yet again. It just isn't right! Dads are so important! My youngest starts kindergarten this year, and her Dad won't be here for Dad Patrol or the Daddy Daughter Dance. Our oldest graduates high school. Her Dad won't be here for her last Homecoming, Prom, Spring Musical, college acceptance letters, or graduation! I know he has to go and I know I have to deal with it, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I have to like it!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The clouds are gathering.....

So my husband has an assignment to go to Korea for a year. For months it has been up in the air due to medical issues. They would say he wasn't going, then they would say he would. He even had to get an extension on his RNLT date so that he could finish his medical clearance. Well we got news today that everything has been finalized and he is totally cleared to go! Total hard hit to the heart for me! I guess somewhere deep down, I was hoping it would get cancelled. I get that my husband has to do this, its his job. I get that tons of military spouses go thru this every year...but, he is my best friend! My husband is EVERYTHING to me. He is the one I talk to, lean on, etc. I do have friends, but I depend on the hubs for everything. I can't talk to anyone else the way I talk to him. I am trying to hold it together and not be an emotional mess for his last few weeks, but on the other hand, I just want to fall apart! Life is going to be so different without him. And its a whole year.... :( I only have 1 friend here that I feel I could depend on for everything. That's not a lot. And she could leave at any time. Then what am I gonna do? I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, which I guess I am, but I just cannot be strong all the time. Sometimes you just gotta let it all go and be sad. I just cannot imagine life for a year without my best friend!
I also have to move to a new house by myself. We are being force moved and originally they said they would move us before he left, but now they are saying no. It's just a lot to take in for me! So much to do and be responsible for, and noone to lean on while I go through it all! It just sucks! Well that's my rant for the day. Through it all, I am still proud of my man and still proud to be a military wife!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Pre PCS pms'ing

I don't know if other husbands act like this, but I think my hubs might be having a pre-deployment/pcs pms kind of time. He was supposed to leave this coming Saturday to go to Korea for a year. Well the AF messed up his medical clearance and he had no orders, so he applied for a one month extension. He now leaves in a month. Ever since that extension got approved, he has been acting differently. He snaps at the slightest thing, he jumps down my throat, he is being harder on our children, and he is so damn defensive. He asks my opinion, then gets pissed off when I share it! Then if I go the other route and say I have no opinion or nothing to say, he gets pissed then too. Do other husbands act like this right before they leave? Anyone else notice it? Tonight, when he came to kiss me goodnight and say I love you, when I responsed with "I love you too" he came back with "Yeah sure you do!" Now I am pissed over that. I didn't even do anything. All I said before that was that I did not want to have yet another argument over our teenager and what she has done or hasn't done today. And I get "Yeah sure you do!" when I say I love you too. The worst thing is that tomorrow morning he will wake up and act like it never happened. But I can't do that. When my feelings get hurt, I need an apology at least. I did try and ask him if he was stressed about the upcoming move to Korea (for him) and if that was maybe affecting his mood, and all I got in return was "Why are you on me so much lately? Why I am to blame for everything?" So I gave up asking. I don't know...if this is how the whole month is going to go, then it can't go by fast enough! If your hubs acts like this too before leaving, please share. At least that way I know I am not alone.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Keeping my mouth shut....

I have always been a very honest and upfront person. You get what you see. I have never been one to keep quiet or keep my opinions to myself. This has ALWAYS come back to haunt me. People say they appreciate honesty, until they get a dose of it, then they get pissed off. The past couple of weeks (after being honest about my feelings and getting burned for it) I have decide to just shut up. If someone pisses me, hurts my feelings, or does something I don't like; I am just not going to say anything at all. I am tired of being tried and convicted because I like to be totally honest and upfront. I am tired of all the drama that comes from being honest. Yes, really, being honest causes drama. There are always those people whose "little feelings" get hurt because you ACTUALLY told them the truth. Then they get pissed off and have to run off and tell someone else how you hurt their feelings, and that my friends, is how the drama gets started! And you know what, these are ADULT WOMEN that I am talking about. It goes against the grain of everything that I am to keep my mouth shut and NOT talk about how I am feeling, but it is necessary. I am tired of all the drama that comes with it. I am tired of getting the blame just because I tried to be honest about how I felt or what kind of hurt someone caused me. For now, and for the near future, I am just not going to say anything at all, and we will see how that works it. Who knows? It may fail. But for now, the lips are zipped. Let all these crazy people go find their drama somewhere else.... I don't have time for it in my life anymore!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

3 more months and my life falls apart.....

So in a little over 3 more months, my husband is going to leave on a remote tour for a year. In and of itself, this is not that big of a deal. My husband deploys so much at this base, that it has become the new "normal" for him not to be home. So one more tour away is not going to kill me. What is going to kill me is the fact that HE is my BEST FRIEND. He is the only person I talk to about things, the only one that is always there for me, and the one that I know I can always depend on. This is not to say that I don't have "friends". I do, but not the kind of friends everyone else has. At least not at this base. I am not the girl people call to hang out with, go out with, have a movie night with, get pampered with etc. I am the girl you call when you need a favor. I am the girl you call when you need something done quickly and efficiently. I am the girl you call for a favor. I am the girl who never says no. I am the girl you make plans with, but then don't show up for, because you just forgot. I am not important enough to be remembered unless you are in desperate need of something. I have made friends at this base, that is true. But a lot of the time, it is a one sided friendship. I am there for them, to help, listen, offer assistance, do favors; then when it is my turn to need something or someone, the world is empty. Everyone is busy, or forgot, or just can't. I know that I am strong, I have survived many many years of deployments without my husband. But somehow, imagining a WHOLE YEAR with no one to talk to, laugh with, have fun with etc, is just so heart-breaking. I have never been good at making friends. I am brutually honest and way too sarcastic for most people. But my husband gets me, he understands me and loves me for who I am. Life will not be the same without him, and I will truly be all alone. The short list of women that I know I could count on in a pinch are both PCSing this summer, right before my husband leaves. I just don't know what I am going to do. I am not asking for pity... I just had to get all this off my chest before I totally lost it. I don't know why people don't want to hang with me and do all the girlfriendy stuff. I think I am a pretty decent person and I have a lot to offer a friendship. If only people would take the time to get to know the REAL me. It is going to be a very lonely, long year. I guess that I will have to depend on Skype a LOT and emails and phone calls! Hopefully the years goes by fast!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Assignment to Korea

So the other day my hubs calls me and tells me he has an assignment. I am already freaking because our daughter graduates high school next year. Then...he dropped the bomb. The assignment is only for him, he is going to Korea for a year, and he leaves in the next 6 months. I know that I shouldn't complain about this. Lots of spouses have to go through it, matter of fact, I have a dear friend that is going through it right now. However, my husband has barely been home at all since we were stationed here. He has missed holidays, important birthdays (Sweet Sixteen), school programs and special days, entire summers, and many milestones. I have lived here for 2 years, and he has maybe been present for 1/4 of that! It sucks! Our littlest daughter is totally attached to him, and is going to be devastated that he has to leave for a WHOLE YEAR!!!! He will miss our oldest's high school graduation! It just is not right. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine a whole year without him. People keep telling me that I will get through it, and that I am one of the strongest women they know, but you know what? I DON"T WANT TO BE STRONG!!!! I want to scream, cry, stomp and throw a baby fit! I want my husband to stay home for more than 6 months instead of always being gone. I want more hellos and less goodbyes. I want to share our children's achievements and milestones with him face-to-face instead of via email and Skype! I want someone else to go! I do not want my husband to go away for a WHOLE YEAR! There will be alot of changes during that year: our oldest graduating high school, our youngest starting kindergarten and many more. I don't want to be the only parent that sees these things. I am tired of people assuming I am divorced because they never see my husband! AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH! Sorry just had to get it all out. This is the crappiest news ever!