Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day 2010

So today is Father's Day... unfortunately we have noone to celebrate it with, because Dad is away! So Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there that are away from their families this father's day! Know that we are thinking of you, and missing you, and that the day just is not the same without you. Sweet dreams of breakfast in bed, sticky fingers, jelly kisses and hugs with small tickling fingers. Sweet dreams of fingerpainted pictures, macaroni frames, and screams of "I love you Daddy, you are the best in the whole wide world" Prayers that you are here for the next Father's Day and many more after that. We miss you, we love you and we are proud of you... each and every one of you fighting, driving, flying or just plain working across the world away from your families!

Friday, June 18, 2010

On a Journey with God....

So since my hubby is gone, and I have lots of time to fill, I have decided to begin exploring my relationship with God. I have never been a committed church-goer, bible reader or prayer person. I do believe in God, and I believe Jesus died for our sins; however, I have never felt that connected to God at all. My friend, T.D. says, I just haven't had my God "a-ha!" moment yet. I think she may be right. I have always been a little envious of those who have a strong faith and just trust God some completely. They seem so much more at peace with decisions, crises, and things. I want that! So I have been attending a bible study with a couple of my military spouse friends, and I am learning... little by little, but still learning. We are currently studying the ten commandments, and I admit, there is still some skepticism in my heart. I agree that the ten commandments should be followed, but I also believe there is room for interpretation in each and every life. I have been through a lot in my life, and I am not one to forgive easily. Small things yes, but the big things, no! I don't find it necessary to go to church, but I am starting to realize that it is true that when people are gathered in God's name, there is a different feeling. My problem with church is not God, but people. Everytime I think I have found a good church, some human goes and does something that turns me off the whole thing! Is this God's fault? NO,not at all, but it does keep me from attending church. Somehow, I don't think that churches today were what Jesus intended back in the day!
Any how, let me get to the point. The past few days have been a financial nightmare. Several things have come up that needed to be paid for, and if there is anything that I stress over majorly, it is MONEY! Especially when the hubs is away, because we really can't sit down and discuss a solution. So I have had all these things come up, and I have worried myself sick about them. There never seems to be enough to go around. So after bible study, I discussed it a little with my hubs and then decided to offer up a little prayer. Unusual for me, because I don't feel like I should be asking God for money! But I just asked that He help me figure out this whole financial snafoo. This morning, I woke up and it was all figured out in my head! I felt more calm about it, and I figured out a way to work it all out and get it all paid! Amazing! Then in answer to prayer (as if figuring it all out wasn't enough of an anwser) I go check the mail, and there is a check for me in there, that I totally was not expecting! It wasn't a massive amount, but enough to give me some perspective. So maybe prayers can be answered after all, if you offer them up for the right reasons. I feel at peace now with the finances, and it feels good! So thanks to T.D. for helping me start this journey and Thanks be to God for showing me that with Him all things really ARE possible!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Deployment Blahs....

For some reason, this deployment is affecting me much worse than any of the others. I am old hat at this, I have been through TONS of deployments. I don't know what is wrong. Maybe it is because this is summertime. Maybe its because my hubby and I are closer than ever and it just hurts too much for him to be gone. I just cannot shake the doldrums. Every day is hard. Going to base and seeing men in uniform sucks even more, because it just reminds me of what I am missing. I can't avoid base...there are doctor's appointments and commisary trips. My children are driving me nuts this time around, and I feel bad being short with them. I just feel like I am on the edge all the time. I want to cry, but can't. I want to scream, but that would be inappropriate. It just really sucks. I don't want to unload it all on my hubby, because I know his end isn't much better. I don't want to feel like a burden. Sometimes it is hard to try and appear happy all day long, it feels like such a chore. Keeping myself busy just isn't working as well as it has in the past. I have friends, and I have things to do, but it is not making things better.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Finish the Sentence

Finish the Sentence

I took this from my amazing friend L.C.'s blog I follow :) You finish the sentence!

I love... my children, my husband, my parents, my playgroup, and books!

Right now I want... my house to be organized, my husband to be safe, and for my husband to come home soon.

I feel like... a truck ran over me. All these workouts at the gym hurt! But the end result and the look on my hubby's face when he sees me after all those months will be worth it.

I hate it when... I am apart from my husband, when we fight, and when people are just untruthful!

I fear...that he is going to leave the world before me, and I won't be able to live without him. ... that something terrible will happen to my children.

I'm lonely without...MY HUSBAND!

I need... a kiss, a hug, new towels, and a paid personal organizer!

Today I... am fixing to go to bed and read.

Tomorrow I'm... going to see DAUGHTRY LIVE at the Hampton Coliseum!!!!!!!!!

I just... watched my baby fall asleep on the couch. She was just so tired.

I want to meet... anyone and everyone that I can in life. Every one has a different story.

I'm hungry for... white chocolate. Gonna get some at Target tomorrow!

I love it husband is home, my baby laughs, my teenager says something nice to me.

I'm afraid of... my husband leaving me, dying, being alone in the world, being forgotten.

I'm listening to... the AC run, my baby sleeping, and me typing.

I'm wearing... jean capris and a white shirt.

I wish I was in... Italy...times were simpler then.

I want to get... a free ride to my husband's current location.

I can't... wait til my hubby comes home. Reunions are the best.

I'm nervous to... go places by myself, meet new people.

I feel happiest when... my husband is around me, when my baby hugs me, when my playgroup mommas help me keep it together when my hubs is gone.

Monday, June 7, 2010

And the days go marching on.....

So the past few days I have been keeping busy. I try to schedule myself time out with friends, or fun for my kids so that I don't have to be at home and think about the fact that my hubby is gone. My housework does suffer, but I would rather live in a messy house, then be home.... lonely and crying. I have to say, I love the military spouses that I am friends with. When someone's hubs leave, they totally gather round and start taking care of you. Whether it be dinner, a night out, or just relaxing at someone's house, it all makes the time go by and gets my mind off the fact that I won't see my husband for months. The other night, my 4 year old starting crying for Daddy, and she told me "But I need him, cause he reads the best books!" It near about broke my heart. She really doesn't get the concept of time yet, so it is hard for her to understand just how long it will be til she sees Daddy again. I try to explain, but her little mind just doesn't grasp it. It is so hard for her. I try to think ahead though, to the great feeling she is going to have when he comes home. That will be worth it.
My oldest is the opposite. She sees that Dad is gone, and she tries to break every rule that he usually enforces. She seems to think that since he isn't here his rules don't apply. I hate having to punish her, because I know it makes her mad and more willful, but respect doesn't end just because someone deploys. You know?
I realized today that I am blessed to have my husband in the branch of the military that he is in. I usually get to Skype with him every day, and he calls me a couple of times a week. Another friend of mine, whose hubs is in the Navy, gets ONE Skype video call the entire time he is gone. Sometimes weeks go by without her hearing a word from him! I don't know whether I could handle that!
Well off to bed, more things to do tomorrow.

Thought it might be fun to share a little about me, so I am lifting this idea from Tara @Life of a Newly Wife.

A - Age: 37

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the carpets

D - Dog's name: No dogs, but we do have cats.

E - Essential start your day item: hugs from my baby girls, and hubby when he is here.
F - Favorite color: greens and browns

G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: white gold

H - Height: 5'5''

I - Interesting fact about yourself: I don't like pictures of faces in magazines. I always feel like they are staring at me. Weird, I know.

J - Jewelry you wear everyday: wedding ring and some star shaped earring my little one gave me.

K - Kids: 2: ages 4 and 15.

L - Living arrangements: Live in Base Housing, and I am blessed with a great house.

M - Mom's name: Dodie

N- Nicknames: My hubby calls me Baby. My parents called me Pumpkin. My Mimi calls me by my first and middle names.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: nada

P - Pet Peeve: Dishonesty, two-faced people and backstabbers.

Q - Quote: To the world you are noone, but to someone you are the world.

R - Right handed or left handed: Righty

S - Siblings: 1 younger brother

T - Time you wake up: 5 am on weekdays to get my daughter up for school, then back to bed til 9 or 10.

U- Underwear: love me some boy shorts. gotta have full coverage

V - Vegetable you dislike: spinach, brussel sprouts.

W - Ways you run late: my kids!!!!

X - X-rays you've had: too many to name

Y - Yummy food you make: Chili Rice, Cheese and Potato Pie, Cheeseburger and Fries Casserole, Bacon Crackle Corn Bake.

Z - Zoo favorite: giraffes and emus.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Day 2 of many many more

So today started off really well. I was woken up by the sound of my husband's ringtone. (Yes, I have a special ringtone just for him) He was calling me from his mid-point to let me know he was safe. It was AWESOME to hear his voice. If I can't see him, I can at least enjoy talking to him. I got to talk to him several times before he boarded the plane to his end destination. It started my day off right!!! Surprisingly my children were really good today too! My 4 year old listened, and my 15 year old listened and cooked dinner!!! I had asked her to start dinner since I had to go and pick up my neighbor's son from work. When I returned, she had dinner almost completed! I was surprised, and she didn't even give me any attitude.
I also made it to the gym today. I didn't want to go, but knew I needed to. I did Pilates and Abs with two of my friends and it was a good workout. I also get to leave my 4 year old in childcare for 2 hours! So I got at least a little alone time. I hadn't been to the gym in so long, because I had been spending every minute I could with my husband. I am sore, but it will be for the best in the long run.
I won't miss my husband any less, but hopefully all of this will make the time go by faster.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Day One of many.....

So today was the day I had to drop my husband off so that he can head out on his new adventure (my positive code word for deployment.) We were told to be there at a certain time, and we were. An hour later, the transportation still had not arrived. Then someone shows up to say, oh you weren't supposed to be here til this time. Needless to say, I was a little irritated because I could have had more time with the hubby! It finally came time to say goodbye, and it was so hard. I try not to cry too much, because I don't want him feeling bad about the job he has to do. Everything was fine til I got in the car. As we are driving away, my 4 year old starts crying hysterically that she just wants ONE MORE HUG from Daddy. I tell her she can't, he has gotten on the bus now, and we won't see him til he gets back. That did nothing to calm her. She was just distraught and cried all the way home. Once we get home, me and the hubs are texting back and forth as he is waiting to board his plane. Hours go by, and he still has not left. It eventually took 7 hours from the time I dropped him off til the time he boarded his plane. That really pissed me off. That was 7 hours I could have had with him. The entire time, he was just sitting in a hangar with no food, no drink and not allowed to even come out and give his little girl one last hug. 7 HOURS!!!! What the heck were they thinking? I know that as a military spouse, I have to be ready for things to change at a moment's notice and be delayed frequently. But 7 hours? That is like a whole day. We were only 15 minutes from each other, but could not see each other, and I just found that totally frustrating. He finally texted me to tell me he was leaving, and will call me when he reaches his destination. I feel so bad that he had to sit there all day just waiting.
I must say that I am blessed to be friends with other military spouses, who totally understand what I am going through. Two of my good friends, L.C. and T.D. came over tonight to keep me company on this first night alone. It helped so much! I really don't know what I would do without my fellow military spouses! L.C.'s hubby and mine have been on 3 of the last 4 deployments together, so I kind of feel like she is more family than friend. T.D.'s husband does not work with mine, but she has always been there to support me, and I would be lost without her help.
Well tomorrow is another day. I have to remember "Every day they are gone, is one day closer to them coming home." Pray for our troops!

Last few days

The last few days have been the last I will spend with my husband for a while. All our great plans of spending time alone together doing what we wanted...gone out the window! We have kids, they have obligations, we have pets, they create havoc, we have lives, and they got in the way. Granted I did spend every moment of kids, pets and life getting in the way WITH my husband. He was with me for every second and I loved him being there. It just seems that we always make such huge plans for our last few days, and it never works out the way we plan. I want a PAUSE button! Then I could pause time, and spend those extra minutes just hugging him or having him hold my hand. Oh how I wish. I know it's his job, but my life is very different when he is not here. I am very honest and opinionated, and I tend to hurt peoples feelings unintentionally. He is my sounding board. He always help me to see things from other perspectives, and doing that over email, Skype or the phone just isn't the same. I sure am going to miss him.
On a funny note, he and I had picked out a new bedframe. It was perfect, exactly what we wanted and had been looking for. So tonight we go to buy it. He goes to look for a store employee to help us carry the box to the register. While he is gone, I am really checking this bed frame out. Suddenly I realize that it is not adjustable. It is built for a Twin and a Twin only, and we have a Queen! I go hunt him down to tell him! We were so bummed! The perfect bedframe and it isn't even our size! Luckily, we noticed this before we got it home and tried to set it up to fit our bed! LOL It was a funny moment. Memories of moments like that are what keep me going during the months he is away!