Monday, September 26, 2011

And the journey continues....

The days are starting to go by a little faster, and I am starting to get into a routine. I still have my meltdown moments, but there are fewer. I am really enjoyed the new church I am attending. It's weird because every week the pastor seems to know exactly what is on my mind and in my heart, and that is what he talks about. I am calling it divine intervention, God Himself is leading me to where I need to listen. I am finding out, slowly but surely, who exactly I can depend on and who I can do without. I found this great quote "If your presence in my life does not add value, then your absence won't make a difference!" So very true. So often there are people in our lives who bring us down, treat us unkindly, or just don't add anything good to our lives. Those people need to go. We need to surround ourselves with good, caring, loving, people and not worry so much about those that would talk bad about us, gossip about us or start nasty Facebook posts. This is a lesson I am working on learning. For so long, I have depended on my husband to be my only true friend, and with him gone, it is hard to know who to trust and who not to. I am finding out though, that some people are worth the risk and others are not. When those others fall by the wayside, it doesn't hurt quite as much as I thought it would. I may not have TONS of friends to support me, but the ones I do have are pretty darn awesome! I will count this blessing and move on.
In about another move, I will be completing a forced move on my own, and crazy me, but I am doing a DITY move! Our house is being demolished and we are being moved to brand new housing. I am excited but scared at the same time. I have never done a move entirely on my own (without my military member) so it is a little overwhelming. I do have help though so hopefully it will go smoothly.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

A new Sunday...going to church

So today I decided to try out a new church. I am not a regular church goer, never have been. But this particular church has a marquee outside! I see it every day, and they always have the happiest thoughts posted. It always makes me smile, so I thought I would visit and see what it was like. I like upbeat churches too. I want my music to be uplifting, hand-clapping, tapping your toes kind of music. This church offers that. I got there, signed my daughter in to children's church and went to the main area. People were friendly, but not overly so. Maybe they just need to warm up a bit? Anyway, we sang some great songs and then the pastor started to speak. From the very first moment he opened his mouth, he seemed to speaking straight to me. He talked about people who say they are Christians, but don't REALLY have a true relationship with God. He talked about people who try to be good, but then end up throwing "snot" (his analogy not mine lol) on others. This is me!!! I have always wanted that glowing, faithful, uplifting relationship with God, but I have never had it. I have never taken that last leap and given myself over completely to the relationship. I DO believe in God, but do I depend on him all the time? No! I do pray, but usually only when I am stressed or in trouble. I want more than that in my life. So I sat there and cried. Not sobbing, but gentle tears on my face. I really felt like I was being spoken to. Part of me wanted to jump up and scream "Me! Me! You are talking about me!" But I just wasn't brave enough. It is a journey that I need to continue on I guess. I guess I also hoped that someone would have noticed I was crying and asked why. The pastor also talked about being seperated from your spouse for a lengthy period of time, which, of course, for me, brought more tears, as my hubs has just left for a year. All in all, it was an enlightening hour and gave me much to think about. I want a better relationship with God, I want that JOY! I just don't know if I will be able to find it!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Worth reposting again and again....

A friend of mine shared this on her Facebook wall today and it was just what I needed to read! Therefore, I thought I would share it along! It is a great thing to read for those of us left behind while our spouses are gone. Enjoy.

Letter To A Military Spouse: Author Unknown

While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you or your husband, I felt the need to write you and express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart.

I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100 miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am an American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other than what I hear on the news.

I have never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they didn't know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for. I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven't heard from my husband. I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so. I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren't yet old enough to understand. I have never had to hold my head high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loved one gets to come home. I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with.
And I have never had to feel the panic rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.

For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn't be angry, because you "knew what you were getting into when you married a military man". I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes. What I can say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as "just another soldier" - - I will never have to walk in your shoes.

I do understand that as a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control, but I never understood how you could do it, until now. I have figured out that you are not like other women. You are of a special breed. You have a strength within you that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.

You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American. I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.

Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what America meant to me. Until this moment, I had no real reason to.... Until I heard of you.

Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us...but you and those like you are the backbone of the American family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down. Military families make this nation what it is today.
You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.

Because of you and your family...I am able to be me. I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free in this great land. Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.

I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.

I will never be able to repay this debt to you, as it is unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are...what you are doing...what has happened today...or what will happen tomorrow...Your husband will NEVER be "just another soldier" to me.... And you, dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.

You are all in my prayer's everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.

May God Bless You!
(Author Unknown)

Friday, September 9, 2011

Couple days down...many more to go

So a few days have gone by and I am starting to find things to do with my time. Both my daughters are in school all day now, so for the first time in 6 years I am home alone all day. It is weird! I am trying to get things sorted because before you know it, a year will have gone by and we will be moving...again! I am missing my husband but he calls often, so that helps. I figure today, instead of complaining, I would count some blessings! So here goes....
I am so blessed that my husband is deployed in this day and age. We have Skype, VoiP, email, Facebook, Google+. Back when he first joined the AF, we had 1 15 minute phone call per week, and the only other way to communicate was to send a letter. You never had enough time on that phone call to talk about everything, and it always left me more frustrated than happy. So I am super blessed that there are so many ways to communicate now. My husband always makes it a priority to get his internet set up, and make frequent phone calls to us! No matter where he is sent, he always finds a way. I am lucky to have him, and that he thinks that way. I know there are many spouses who don't get the same. The first thing my husband does is call as soon as he is able. He has stayed up late missing out on sleep so that he could talk to our daughters about their first day of school, and gotten up early and walked for miles to find a wireless connection so he could speak to me. I thank God that I have a husband who takes communication with me so seriously and understands that, sometimes, hearing his voice is all I need to make it through another day! So today, I am going to smile and be thankful for my husband and the technological age that we live in. I am going to be glad that I get to hear his voice and talk to him regularly! :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day...what's so great about holidays anyway?

So today is Labor Day, yes my first holiday without my husband. Granted it is not a big one, but a holiday none the less. It sucks! Everyone is having bbqs and get-togethers, and I am home...ALONE! I guess everyone forgot about me. I haven't had a single phone call, text...nothing. That is the thing that sucks about holidays while your spouse is deployed, you usually don't get invited places. I don't know whether it's because it's awkward just inviting 1 part of a pair, or that people are so busy with their lives that they forget you are alone. Who knows? I just know that I am a little jealous of all the people out bbq'ing, celebrating, spending time together!
On another note, tomorrow is the first day of school. My youngest is flying the nest and headed off to kindergarten. We have spent the whole day preparing (including running to Walmart to pick up last minute school supplies! Note to self: Never do that again, man that place was CROWDED!!!) I am sad...she is growing up so fast! For the first time in 6 years, I will be home all day by myself! I don't know what I am going to do. I have lots of ideas, but not sure I have the motivation to get them started! I cannot believe she is old enough to head off to school for a full day. Seems like just yesterday she was born, and we were marveling over how tiny she was! I am hoping that she has a GREAT first day, and that she loves kindergarten as much as she loved preschool!
With a final thought, I will close this post. I am praying...every day. Not something I normally do, but something I feel I need to do to get thru this year. I hope God understands, because my thoughts aren't exactly coherent when I am praying. I tend to wander all over the place, but at least I am praying and getting it all out. Til tomorrow.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

1 day down...many more to go!

Today wasn't so bad...I had my moments but overall it has been a pretty decent day. I found my way to the NEX all by myself! Usually I just go to our local BX, but the NEX at the Naval Base has a Hello Kitty section that our little one wanted to check out. So I drove there! First time on my own, and I didn't even get lost! I was really proud of myself. My moment happened on the way home... My husband made me a CD of music before he left. It was all songs that I requested. Well before he left, he told me that he had added a few songs that conveyed how he feels and he wanted me to listen to the words! The one that got to me the most was "Wait for Me" by Theory of a Deadman. Such a beautiful song and I can hear him singing it to me. It tore me up, but also made me smile, because it shows just how much he loves me. I did get to talk to my husband on the phone which always makes things better! I have to take this one day at a time, or I will never get through it!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

And the countdown begins.....

Today was probably the hardest day of my life. I had to send my husband off for a year and watch as our 6 year old melted down as he walked down the airport concourse. It was hard enough letting him go, but seeing our daughter cry for Daddy for hours was worse. It breaks her heart for him to be gone; the two of them are so very close. We drove home and went back to bed for a while, as we were up super early to drop Daddy off at the airport. The hardest thing to deal with is the fact that life goes on. As my heart is breaking and I am feeling totally alone in the world, everyone else is going about their daily business. Noone else's world stops just because mine has. To everyone else it is just another normal day. Coming home to an empty, quiet house is probably the suckiest thing! I miss everything about my husband! Today I don't want to be strong, I don't want to buck up and carry on! I want to just dissolve into tears, heaves and snot and feel sad! Alas, I still have kids, pets and a house to take care of. This is going to be one hell of a journey for me. I have been through many deployments and I swear, each time it gets harder and harder to say goodbye! For now, I will just hold on til I can hear his voice on the phone, which even though he is far away, somehow makes things a little better!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Tears of joy, and tears of pain

Today is my hubby's pack-out day...they have come to box up his stuff and ship it off to his destination. His time left with us is extremely extremely short. No spouse should ever have to watch their significant other's stuff get packed. It is say the least. Watching strangers pack everything you and your husband share into boxes headed to another country. I may be weak, but I just couldn't watch. I took myself upstairs to the bedroom to silently break down. I try not to cry in front of him, I don't want him to feel bad about having to leave. It's hard enough for him to leave us for a year, without me making him feel worse. I just didn't know how hard it was going to be to watch them pack up his life! Watching them pack made it all the more real. I know plenty of people go through this and its just as hard. I wish that our men and women in the Armed Forces didn't have to leave for such long lengths of time. It makes me want to be totally selfish and scream "Why do these other countries need us? Let our men and women stay home and take care of their own country!" I am tired of saying goodbye to the man I love. I am tired of being without my best friend. I am tired of my children learning first hand what loss means, as they have to wipe away their tears and say goodbye to Daddy yet again. It just isn't right! Dads are so important! My youngest starts kindergarten this year, and her Dad won't be here for Dad Patrol or the Daddy Daughter Dance. Our oldest graduates high school. Her Dad won't be here for her last Homecoming, Prom, Spring Musical, college acceptance letters, or graduation! I know he has to go and I know I have to deal with it, but that sure as hell doesn't mean I have to like it!