Keeping my mouth shut....

I have always been a very honest and upfront person. You get what you see. I have never been one to keep quiet or keep my opinions to myself. This has ALWAYS come back to haunt me. People say they appreciate honesty, until they get a dose of it, then they get pissed off. The past couple of weeks (after being honest about my feelings and getting burned for it) I have decide to just shut up. If someone pisses me, hurts my feelings, or does something I don't like; I am just not going to say anything at all. I am tired of being tried and convicted because I like to be totally honest and upfront. I am tired of all the drama that comes from being honest. Yes, really, being honest causes drama. There are always those people whose "little feelings" get hurt because you ACTUALLY told them the truth. Then they get pissed off and have to run off and tell someone else how you hurt their feelings, and that my friends, is how the drama gets started! And you know what, these are ADULT WOMEN that I am talking about. It goes against the grain of everything that I am to keep my mouth shut and NOT talk about how I am feeling, but it is necessary. I am tired of all the drama that comes with it. I am tired of getting the blame just because I tried to be honest about how I felt or what kind of hurt someone caused me. For now, and for the near future, I am just not going to say anything at all, and we will see how that works it. Who knows? It may fail. But for now, the lips are zipped. Let all these crazy people go find their drama somewhere else.... I don't have time for it in my life anymore!

3 more months and my life falls apart.....

So in a little over 3 more months, my husband is going to leave on a remote tour for a year. In and of itself, this is not that big of a deal. My husband deploys so much at this base, that it has become the new "normal" for him not to be home. So one more tour away is not going to kill me. What is going to kill me is the fact that HE is my BEST FRIEND. He is the only person I talk to about things, the only one that is always there for me, and the one that I know I can always depend on. This is not to say that I don't have "friends". I do, but not the kind of friends everyone else has. At least not at this base. I am not the girl people call to hang out with, go out with, have a movie night with, get pampered with etc. I am the girl you call when you need a favor. I am the girl you call when you need something done quickly and efficiently. I am the girl you call for a favor. I am the girl who never says no. I am the girl you make plans with, but then don't show up for, because you just forgot. I am not important enough to be remembered unless you are in desperate need of something. I have made friends at this base, that is true. But a lot of the time, it is a one sided friendship. I am there for them, to help, listen, offer assistance, do favors; then when it is my turn to need something or someone, the world is empty. Everyone is busy, or forgot, or just can't. I know that I am strong, I have survived many many years of deployments without my husband. But somehow, imagining a WHOLE YEAR with no one to talk to, laugh with, have fun with etc, is just so heart-breaking. I have never been good at making friends. I am brutually honest and way too sarcastic for most people. But my husband gets me, he understands me and loves me for who I am. Life will not be the same without him, and I will truly be all alone. The short list of women that I know I could count on in a pinch are both PCSing this summer, right before my husband leaves. I just don't know what I am going to do. I am not asking for pity... I just had to get all this off my chest before I totally lost it. I don't know why people don't want to hang with me and do all the girlfriendy stuff. I think I am a pretty decent person and I have a lot to offer a friendship. If only people would take the time to get to know the REAL me. It is going to be a very lonely, long year. I guess that I will have to depend on Skype a LOT and emails and phone calls! Hopefully the years goes by fast!

Assignment to Korea

So the other day my hubs calls me and tells me he has an assignment. I am already freaking because our daughter graduates high school next year. Then...he dropped the bomb. The assignment is only for him, he is going to Korea for a year, and he leaves in the next 6 months. I know that I shouldn't complain about this. Lots of spouses have to go through it, matter of fact, I have a dear friend that is going through it right now. However, my husband has barely been home at all since we were stationed here. He has missed holidays, important birthdays (Sweet Sixteen), school programs and special days, entire summers, and many milestones. I have lived here for 2 years, and he has maybe been present for 1/4 of that! It sucks! Our littlest daughter is totally attached to him, and is going to be devastated that he has to leave for a WHOLE YEAR!!!! He will miss our oldest's high school graduation! It just is not right. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine a whole year without him. People keep telling me that I will get through it, and that I am one of the strongest women they know, but you know what? I DON"T WANT TO BE STRONG!!!! I want to scream, cry, stomp and throw a baby fit! I want my husband to stay home for more than 6 months instead of always being gone. I want more hellos and less goodbyes. I want to share our children's achievements and milestones with him face-to-face instead of via email and Skype! I want someone else to go! I do not want my husband to go away for a WHOLE YEAR! There will be alot of changes during that year: our oldest graduating high school, our youngest starting kindergarten and many more. I don't want to be the only parent that sees these things. I am tired of people assuming I am divorced because they never see my husband! AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH! Sorry just had to get it all out. This is the crappiest news ever!

Learning the Lessons God Teaches

So this past summer when my hubbie was gone (again) I had to learn a few hard lessons. There were some ladies that I thought were my close friends, women that I thought I could depend on for anything. Turns out, sadly, that I was wrong. Now normally, I would be devastated by this. Not this time around. This summer without my husband was a journey for me. I have realized that God puts every person into your life for a reason. Some of them are meant to be blessings, life long friends that you could not do without. Others, well they are there to teach you lessons that you need teaching. They are also there to show you your own weaknesses. I know now that I am strong. Being a military wife, I have to be, and sometimes that is just how I have looked at...like I have no choice. However, I realized, I do have a choice. I can CHOOSE to be strong! I can choose to remove people from my life that do not fit. I don't have to like everyone, and I don't have to accept shoddy friendships. I am worth good friends, friends that I can count on, trust, and believe in. The military life is such a unique journey for the spouses...why shouldn't we surround ourselves with strong like-minded women? Women that have the same goals as us... and I am not talking about career or child raising, etc. I am talking about the goal of supporting each other, and being there for one another. I am talking about believing in what our spouses do and standing together in that. Yep! Everyone I come in contact with is put there by God for a reason, the lesson to learn is that not all of them have to stay. I can learn the lesson they are providing and move on! For all my military spouses out there that have been there for me, and do exemplify the kind of military spouse I want to be... I LOVE Ya! And keep on!

Homecoming and Heartache

My hubby is home! You don't know how happy this makes me! When he is gone, I feel like a significant part of me is missing. I am not a whole without him. His homecoming was wonderful. I was able to keep it a secret from our girls, and surprise them both at school. It was priceless. The looks on their faces when Daddy popped out from behind the door was amazing! It was quite possibly the best homecoming ever!
On to the heartache part.... while I am super duper happy that my husband is home, I have found out something that just broke my heart. What I thought was a close friend, recently told me that she cannot feel sorry for me or understand my struggles when my husband is gone because he is not usually gone as long as her husband. She feels that she would be able to handle my deployment length easily and therefore I have no right to complain or to ask for help. This really upset me! I was not aware that getting support from friends and fellow military spouses was based on the length of the deployment. I think that all deployments and TDYs are stressful regardless of their length. Things go wrong, you are on your own, and without your partner; no matter how many days, months, etc. I was really surprised to hear that she felt this way. I always considered her a really close friend until now. To basically say that what goes on in my life is unimportant because my husband is only gone X months versus your husband being gone XX months, is just ridiculous to me. I think if we are going to support one another, it should be across the board, not based on deployment length or destination. We are all in the same boat, ship, plane, humvee etc regardless of where our spouses go and for how long. We should all be able to depend on each other no matter what. There should be no conditions, or stipulations for that support!
Just had to get that out there. The hubby is home, and I am blissful in his presence. I am going to enjoy my time with him and our family, because before you know it, another deployment will be looming on the horizon!

Father's Day 2010

So today is Father's Day... unfortunately we have noone to celebrate it with, because Dad is away! So Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there that are away from their families this father's day! Know that we are thinking of you, and missing you, and that the day just is not the same without you. Sweet dreams of breakfast in bed, sticky fingers, jelly kisses and hugs with small tickling fingers. Sweet dreams of fingerpainted pictures, macaroni frames, and screams of "I love you Daddy, you are the best in the whole wide world" Prayers that you are here for the next Father's Day and many more after that. We miss you, we love you and we are proud of you... each and every one of you fighting, driving, flying or just plain working across the world away from your families!

On a Journey with God....

So since my hubby is gone, and I have lots of time to fill, I have decided to begin exploring my relationship with God. I have never been a committed church-goer, bible reader or prayer person. I do believe in God, and I believe Jesus died for our sins; however, I have never felt that connected to God at all. My friend, T.D. says, I just haven't had my God "a-ha!" moment yet. I think she may be right. I have always been a little envious of those who have a strong faith and just trust God some completely. They seem so much more at peace with decisions, crises, and things. I want that! So I have been attending a bible study with a couple of my military spouse friends, and I am learning... little by little, but still learning. We are currently studying the ten commandments, and I admit, there is still some skepticism in my heart. I agree that the ten commandments should be followed, but I also believe there is room for interpretation in each and every life. I have been through a lot in my life, and I am not one to forgive easily. Small things yes, but the big things, no! I don't find it necessary to go to church, but I am starting to realize that it is true that when people are gathered in God's name, there is a different feeling. My problem with church is not God, but people. Everytime I think I have found a good church, some human goes and does something that turns me off the whole thing! Is this God's fault? NO,not at all, but it does keep me from attending church. Somehow, I don't think that churches today were what Jesus intended back in the day!
Any how, let me get to the point. The past few days have been a financial nightmare. Several things have come up that needed to be paid for, and if there is anything that I stress over majorly, it is MONEY! Especially when the hubs is away, because we really can't sit down and discuss a solution. So I have had all these things come up, and I have worried myself sick about them. There never seems to be enough to go around. So after bible study, I discussed it a little with my hubs and then decided to offer up a little prayer. Unusual for me, because I don't feel like I should be asking God for money! But I just asked that He help me figure out this whole financial snafoo. This morning, I woke up and it was all figured out in my head! I felt more calm about it, and I figured out a way to work it all out and get it all paid! Amazing! Then in answer to prayer (as if figuring it all out wasn't enough of an anwser) I go check the mail, and there is a check for me in there, that I totally was not expecting! It wasn't a massive amount, but enough to give me some perspective. So maybe prayers can be answered after all, if you offer them up for the right reasons. I feel at peace now with the finances, and it feels good! So thanks to T.D. for helping me start this journey and Thanks be to God for showing me that with Him all things really ARE possible!