Deployments suck!

In a few days, I have to, once again, say goodbye to my soul mate, my best friend, my husband. Whoever said that each time it gets easier, was LYING!!! It gets harder every time. Everytime I want to beg him to stay, get out of the military and just stay home with us. He heads off to another country, that I will never see, and I get to stay here and try to hold life together without him. I get to go to bed alone every night, with no one to talk through my day with. No matter how many people I surround myself with, no matter how many activites I schedule, at the end of the day, I still have to return to this house, that is not a home without my husband. Don't get me wrong, I am IMMENSENSELY PROUD of my husband and his continued sacrifice for his country. I am proud of the job he does every day, and I am proud of the person he is. All these things, however, do not make it any easier to kiss him goodbye, watch him board a plane, and KNOW that it will be months before I see him again. Months before he kisses or hugs me again. Months before I can sit next to him and just share my day with him. I try to be brave and not cry, but it is futile. As the day draws neared, the tears come unbidden. I cannot stop them. For you see, a part of my heart leaves with him everytime. I am not looking forward to saying goodbye, see you later, or ciao for now. But I will do it... for I am a military spouse and it is my job and honor to do what I have to do, so that my military member can do his job.

Higher Standards.... out the window!

So I usually pride myself in living by a bit higher standards than the norm, because I am a military wife. I am counted on to keep it all together, and let my husband do his job unfettered by daily drama. I usually count myself as a pretty good wife, and a decent mother. However, recently that all fell apart! All the times that I have thought that I had a pulse on what was going on in my teen's life (I have a 15 year old teen daughter), I was wrong and it all got blown away in one conversation. The other night, my husband called our daughter down for dinner. Well when she hadn't come down after 30 minutes, he decided to go and check on her. She was asleep! So he wakes her up, and she joins us for dinner. I comment to her that she has been sleeping a lot more lately and acting really tired. She replies that she just has a lot on her plate. Then I ask her if she is pregnant. She freaks out and just says no over and over. So a little bit later, my husband and I are talking and he points out that she didn't say that being pregnant would be impossible because she hasn't had sex, she just denied being pregnant. I realize he has a good point, so I decide to go talk to her. Yep, then my world came crashing down. I go into her room to talk to her, and find out that YES she has had sex with her boyfriend (whom she is no longer dating.) I am just flabbergasted. I have no words at this point. I then find out that she had sex with him in his parents house (which is right next door) when his parents weren't home. So I decide to go talk to his parents. Yeah, that was a bad mistake. One thing about living in military housing, you can't decide what class of people you live next too. The parents were totally nonchalant about it and really couldn't give a crap less. So after I return from the parents house, I decide to have a further more in depth discussion with my teenager. Okay, another bomb drops and I was so not ready for it! Turns out, she had LOTS of sex, not just once or twice or even three times. It was many times, so many she can't count. I totally thought that I had a pulse on what was going on with her. I monitored her internet use, her phone calls, text messages, myspace account. I knew all her friends and their numbers. I knew what kind of music she listened which shows she watched, and I approved her clothing before she wore it. I totally trusted her and gave her freedoms I thought she had earned, but never too much. I always talked to my friends about how to raise a teen the right way, and then, out of nowhere, I TOTALLY GOT SLAPPED IN THE FACE! My daughter could be pregnant as well. Today I had to walk in Walgreens and buy a pregnancy test .... FOR MY 15 YEAR OLD! Something I never thought I would do. I am at a loss for words, truly and fully. I really do not know what to do anymore. So much for thinking I held my family to higher standards!

Totally Distraught and Just plain PISSED!

Well today's thoughts were going to be about Tricare, but as usual with the military, worse news has shown up. Today my husband told me that the chances are high for him to go on the next deployment. Usually I am pretty good about deployments, it being his job and all. But this one just comes at the absolute wrong time. While he is gone, he will miss several huge milestones: our niece's graduation from high school, our daughter's Sweet Sixteen, and our other daughter's 5th birthday. Normally, I would not be so upset, but Sweet Sixteen is a huge deal, and we have already rented the venue and paid for everything! When he told his supervisor about it, his supervisor's response was "Yeah, I missed my kids birthdays before too!" But this is SWEET SIXTEEN!!!! You only get one of those. It is a big deal! We wanted to move here to the East Coast, we asked to come here. However, he has been gone more since we have been here than any other time in his military career. We have been here just over 18 months and in that time he has been gone 10 of those months. I know in the grand scheme of things, I am in the same boat as many other military spouses. I understand that! But that does not make it easier to handle. It SUCKS!!!! I don't want him to leave! I don't want to do all these important things without him. I want him here..... I don't know what I am going to do with myself! Sure, I have lots of great friends here, and a great support system, but in the end, those do not take the place of the person that knows me best. He is my best friend, my soul mate, the other half that makes us a whole. I am just a shell without him. I know that it is his job, and I refuse to make him feel bad about it, but inside I want to scream. I am tired of doing all the important things on my own. I am tired of having to explain to my children that no, Daddy will not be here for their important days, events etc. It is so hard! It is made even harder by the fact that they told him he wasn't going, then we make all these big plans and they CHANGE THEIR MINDS!!!! I don't understand why he has to go on EVERY SINGLE DEPLOYMENT! Where are the other military members???? Why can't they go this time? I know people whose spouses have NEVER deployed and I just don't think that is fair. If one has to go, all should have to take a turn. I am sure that I will be fine in the long run, and I will get through it all, but right now it just sucks, sucks, sucks!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell...my thoughts therein

This has been on my mind for sometime, and my feelings about it are very strong, so if you are easily offended, you should stop reading now. I was a big Obama supporter. I campaigned for him, wore my T-shirts, buttons, bracelets, etc and even took my kids with me to vote for him. I cried buckets when he won. I was sure he was going to be the greatest President ever, until he came up with the idea to abolish the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in the military. For those of you that don't know... "don't ask, don't tell" basically means don't tell us you're gay and we won't ask, and nothing will come of it. Good policy in my mind. Recently President Obama has come up with the idea to abolish that policy. NOT A GOOD PLAN! First off, prejudice is going to come about. In my mind, military and gay do not go together. Second off, men and women who are in the field in war times, cannot be worrying about what their military counterpart who might be gay is thinking. They have to keep their minds on their jobs and soley on their jobs, or they could die!!! Not knowing is better than knowing. If I am down in a foxhole, and my partner is a lesbian, but I don't know that, and she hasn't told, then I won't be distracted thinking about it. But if she is out in the open, I might very well worry about her checking out my butt, and then I might end up getting myself killed. I am in NO WAY saying that gays and lesbians should not serve in the military. I am sure that there are many fine homosexual people out there that do a wonderful job serving our country. All I am saying is that they should keep it to themselves. It does not need to be paraded around, spoken of on the job, and made a big issue. If we get rid of the don't ask, don't tell policy, I think that it will create more problems, rather than fix things. I am sorry if this upsets anyone, but that's what blogs are for. Speaking your mind... FREELY! My husband is in the military, and personally I would not want a gay male in the foxhole with him. I think he would be uncomfortable, distracted and possibly at risk of making a fatal error. Everytime his hypothetical gay foxhole sharer looked at him, he would be thinking "Is this guy looking at my butt?" Pats on the back would be interpreted in a whole new way!
Anywho, just my thoughts, its been on my mind for a while, so I thought I would get it out there and out of mind. Thoughts on TRICARE coming next! LOL

Trials and Tribulations of Military Life

Making friends is hard, no matter where you are in life. It is made even harder when you are in the military. You move constantly, or your friends move constantly, and it is hard to maintain lasting relationships over long distances. I don't have enough fingers, toes, or other appendages to count the amount of friends that have come and gone in my life. Every once in a great while, you meet people you REALLY connect with and that is a total blessing in its self. Then again, every once in a while, you meet people that are desperate for friends, and while you feel bad for them, you just don't connect with them on that level. This week has been very hard, as certain situations caused friendships in my life to be tested, and other relationships caused strain and drama. As if, being a military wife, there wasn't already enough stress and drama!!!! I love the friends I have here in Virginia, and when someone comes along who threatens those relationships, I am like a momma lioness! I just wanna roar and strike out. I know that everyone needs friends, and relationships! I get that. But sometimes there are people you just don't click with. I guess what I am trying to say is life is frustrating enough without added drama! I want my friends for ME!! I don't want to share. I don't want anything to change. And watch out, those that threaten my relationships with my friends. LOL In the military, your friends are what keep you sane, they are what keep you going, when your spouse (aka best friend, other half, partner, lover etc) is gone. That makes these relationships all the more important than regular friendships outside the military, because they are short, they are fleeting, but they are also precious, blessed and oh so appreciated.

Close Friendships

It has been a really long time since I have had a close group of girlfriends. Tonight I was thinking, the last time I was this tight with a group of women was in high school. In the military life, it is really hard to get to know someone really well, much less have them get to know you really well. You move every three to four years, and while you may make some lasting friendships, noone ever really knows the REAL you. Not so here in Virginia! I have a core group of about 5 woman that really know me! I spend a lot of time with them, and we do things together often, so I guess that helps us to know one another better. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I have bonded so quickly with these 5 women, but I have. It is going to crush my heart when one of them has to leave. They know me, understand me, and totally get me! That is super hard to find, not just in the military, but anywhere. I usually find it very hard to be myself around others, but with these women it is so..... easy and natural. They are my rocks, my comforts, my friends and my sisters in the military. Today I am truly grateful for their friendship and companionship. We always have such a great time together, and we know that we can depend on each other no matter what!

Life continues on, day after day.

Well all I can say right now is..... SNOW, SNOW, SNOW! It seems as soon as the latest round of snow melts, more is on its way. Last night it poured down rain, then this morning it was snowing. The ground is blanketed in white, and area cancellations and closings are rolling in. Don't get me wrong, I love snow, but when you have a 4 year that LOVES to attend school and you have to tell her that school is cancelled, yet again, it is no fun! Hannah misses school. That is all there is to it.
On another note, Chris is working mids now, and I have to say that it sucks. It is almost like he is deployed, but still in the same house. He does nothing but sleep and work, and I feel like I never see him. We pass by each other as I am on my way out, and he is on his way to bed. Weekends, he still sleeps most of the day, so that he can stay on his mids schedule. So time together is sparse. But I guess that is part of the military life. Sometimes I think there should be an extra stipend for military wives. I mean, hello, does the government realize how much us military spouses do? We keep EVERYTHING together while our active duty counterparts work. We pay all the bills, do all the cleaning, do all the kid stuff (carpools, appointments, conferences, homework help, counseling, etc), we wake them up, we wash their uniforms, we pack them up for deployments, and on and on the list goes. Ummm, hey Congress, I think I might need a raise too! LOL I love my job as a military spouse and wouldn't trade it for anything, but I do think that I should be compensated, and not just with medical benefits and housing allowance!
Well that's enough for today. I have to get Hannah working on her Valentine's for her class party and Jade should be home from school soon to tell me whether she has to go to play practice tonight. The life of a military spouse never stops.... it's go, go go!